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Jargon of the Sport



The Gentle and Arcane Art of Crapitation is an ancient sport involving what is politely known as 'breaking wind'. Its practitioners are almost exclusively male, and the sport is presented in the style of a boxing match. The ring is a rectangular one, without ropes, with a four foot high post (The Farting-Post) on one corner. The single round contests are usually held between two windbreakers, but occasionally four or more participants compete, in what are known as 'Whirlwind' matches. Team competitions are particularly popular in the West of Scotland.

To achieve distinction in the sport, great attention must be paid to a suitable diet. Several weeks before a major competition, the champion crapitator will confine his food intake to high protein foods such as beans, cabbage and eggs. Certain beers are also recommended, such as 'Adnam's Southwold Bitter', or 'Caledonian 80/- Ale'.

Competitors wear similar accoutrements to those worn by boxers and wrestlers. All must wear a vest-like garment known as a 'semmit', and trunks, with a six-inch hole in the seat, known as the 'Fenêtre de Brise'. Footwear is optional, with wrestler's boots being the normal preference

As far as rules go, there are few. The principal restriction is on the use of artificial appliances to enhance the sound. Competitors found using such devices are banned from the sport for life.

The contestant will indicate his readiness to start by grasping the Farting-Post or by giving some other clear signal, and must start his performance within two minutes of so indicating. If, once started, he fails to emit for more than one minute he will be deemed to have finished.

All types of emission with the exception of two attract points. The two exceptions are: 'Plotching', which results in a penalty, and what is euphemistically termed 'Having an Accident' results in disqualification.

Despite its earthy nature, the sport is distinguished by the dignified manner and language with which it is conducted.

Our thanks to The Fartblaster for permission to print this


GLOSSARY

Extracted from The Glasgow Dictionary of Crapitation. Used by permission.
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