Mega$loth® is the world leader in bloatware. Just as the gas-guzzling behemoths of American motoring are being phased out, the bandwidth-guzzling behemoths from Mega$loth® are being phased in. This is PROGRESS!
Just look at these benefits:
Big traffic forces the net to get bigger, just as more and bigger cars
forced the road network to improve. This way, older and incompatible
computers will be forced off the web, and eventually the whole internet,
leaving our hardware partners to clean up, and the system all to ourselves,
not forgetting you lucky people who have gone along with us. And every time
they clean up, Mega$loth® will too! They have to use
WindozeTM, and MessDOS, the biggest
and boldest graphical user interface and operating system combination the
world has ever seen, and we get paid every time they sell a computer. Because
we're now 'encouraging' users to upgrade via the web, we can place an even
bigger load on it. Remember to shout 'We Want
WindozeTM!' at all those losers out there
who use other systems. Look out for
Computers wherever you go!
They say that force doesn't work on the Web - Phooey! It works for us, and we're all that matter. We're the biggest, and we're the best. 90% of computer buyers can't be wrong. We've proved that a smart billion-dollar American company can beat any intellectual Englishman and his silly ideas of interoperability hands down. There's only one way to operate - our way! We won the Second World War - we sure as heck can win the computer war too. We've taken over England, and we'll take over the rest of the world too. Remember, this is a public service we're doing.
Presidential Message from Bill C.: Aren't we going a bit over the top here?
Response from Bill G.: Whose software systems do you use Bill?
Telecoms companies worldwide just LOVE Mega$loth®, because they make more money from all the extra time you spend on the net. The European telecoms companies like it even more with their metered billing systems. This 'End User Pays' feature is the biggest advance in money-making since the invention of pyramid selling!
Mega$loth® Outlandish ExpressTM, our wonderful all-purpose internet package, creates emails four times bigger than on any other system!
Here at Mega$loth®, we believe in user choice. Our Outlandish ExpressTM email and news system ensures choice, by giving your recipients an extra webpage version of every email or news item you post, whether they like it or not! They are thus free to choose which one they want, and that is the American Way. Standards? We set the standards!
Mega$loth® Fatpage 99TM lovingly creates webpages up to four times bigger than on any other system! We ensure that all your desktop publishing aspirations appear as you intend. You're the author - why should your readers tell you what to do. When you invest in Mega$loth® Fatpage 99TM you join the ever increasing army of webmasters who have total control! Just look at these features:
Mega$loth® Smart WebPages - Coming Soon!
Mega$loth® Smart WebPages are just the answer for all you folks who want to know about your visitors. Mega$loth® Smart WebPages in conjunction with Mega$loth® Internet ExploderTM can actually interrogate each visitor's computer and find out exactly what's on it. The only constraint is that they must be using Mega$loth® Internet ExploderTM too. Just one more smart reason for standardizing on Mega$loth®.
Mega$loth® Pixel Perfect PlacementTM HTML
Pixel Perfect PlacementTM means that every detail of your webpage design, right down to the smallest space, will be perfectly reproduced, on each visitor's browser. Of course, they must be using Mega$loth® Internet ExploderTM - but isn't everyone? Just one more smart reason for standardizing on Mega$loth®.
Mega$loth® ActiveZTM and WibbleScriptTM Control Languages
These remarkable add-ons give you even more control over your readers' computers. You can send them files, manipulate their off-line storage and even wipe their drives if they misbehave! We've thought of everything.
A stupefyingly large download brings you the latest version of this ground-breaking browser in only a couple of hours! A stupendous contribution to internet traffic!
While you wait, enjoy the thrill of anticipating the smooth, precise operation of Internet ExploderTM once it's arrived and you've got it installed. Even if your computer is intellectually challenged by it, you can always buy a new one.
Packed with every conceivable feature, Mega$loth® Internet ExploderTM makes your web-browsing experience a pleasure, never mind the amount of resources it uses.
Webmaster-friendly Internet ExploderTM is even clever enough to tell the sites you visit all about your WindozeTM system, and where you've been and what you've done.
We're so attentive to every detail that even Internet ExploderTM animated icons are twice as big as they need to be. That way we ensure that they'll work the way we want them to work. You'd better believe it!
Offarce 2000TM does everything you could possibly imagine. In line with our corporate policy, Mega$loth® Offarce 2000TM embraces all known standards and extends them in a remarkable variety of ways which ensures that they work well with other Mega$loth® products, but won't work with anyone else's. When you've chosen Mega$loth® the others don't matter.
For example, there's a new WeirdTM format - if you want to keep up you'll have to upgrade. Just think, by having this remarkable product the Joneses will have to keep up with you! They'll have to upgrade too, to read your new WeirdTM files! Every time somebody upgrades, we make even more money. Tell your friends to upgrade now!
With its MegaCentricTM HTML feature, more and more webpages will only be accessible to Internet Exploder! Good for us and good for you - provided you buy a WindozeTM computer.
Together, these unique features mean that each Mega$loth®-equipped user places three to four times as much load on the internet (not to mention their computers) than those using other systems - and that doesn't leave much room for those other systems does it?
Be BIG and Bold - Go with Mega$loth®!
The BIG 'M' line for '99!
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