Crapitation
Jargon of the Sport
The Gentle and Arcane Art of Crapitation is an ancient sport involving what
is politely known as 'breaking wind'. Its practitioners are almost
exclusively male, and the sport is presented in the style of a boxing match.
The ring is a rectangular one, without ropes, with a four foot high post
(The Farting-Post) on one corner. The single round contests are usually held
between two windbreakers, but occasionally four or more participants
compete, in what are known as 'Whirlwind' matches. Team competitions are
particularly popular in the West of Scotland.
To achieve distinction in the sport, great attention must be paid to a
suitable diet. Several weeks before a major competition, the champion
crapitator will confine his food intake to high protein foods such as beans,
cabbage and eggs. Certain beers are also recommended, such as 'Adnam's
Southwold Bitter', or 'Caledonian 80/- Ale'.
Competitors wear similar accoutrements to those worn by boxers and
wrestlers. All must wear a vest-like garment known as a 'semmit', and
trunks, with a six-inch hole in the seat, known as the 'Fenêtre de
Brise'. Footwear is optional, with wrestler's boots being the normal
preference
As far as rules go, there are few. The principal restriction is on the use
of artificial appliances to enhance the sound. Competitors found using such
devices are banned from the sport for life.
The contestant will indicate his readiness to start by grasping the
Farting-Post or by giving some other clear signal, and must start his
performance within two minutes of so indicating. If, once started, he fails
to emit for more than one minute he will be deemed to have finished.
All types of emission with the exception of two attract points. The two
exceptions are: 'Plotching', which results in a penalty, and what is
euphemistically termed 'Having an Accident' results in
disqualification.
Despite its earthy nature, the sport is distinguished by the dignified
manner and language with which it is conducted.
Our thanks to The Fartblaster for permission to print this
GLOSSARY
- Bloop - Sudden and rather dangerous blast (now dropped from open competitions)
- Crapitation - The academic word for windbreaking.
- Farting-Post - A 4 feet high wooden post, approximately 9 inches in diameter.
- Fenêtre de Brise (Zephyr Window) - Aperture in the seat of competitor's trunks
- Flutterblast - Self descriptive. (10 points)
- Followup Phlooper - see Phlooper. (15 points)
- Fundus-Break - Long, deep throated blast. (30 points)
- Phloop - Short and rather dangerous blast. (2 points)
- Phlooper - Long blast (10 points)
- Phreep - Short and fairly high-pitched. (1 point)
- Phuzzyphart - Self descriptive. (5 points)
- Plotcher - Near accident. (deduct 15 points)
- Sizzler - Self descriptive. (5 points)
- Trillblow - Long blast of variable pitch. (10 points)
- Triple Flutterblast - Self descriptive. (25 points)
- Zusaarspiegel - The woodwind horn used to start the contest.
Similar to a Mukkinese Battlehorn.
Extracted from The Glasgow Dictionary of Crapitation. Used by
permission.
Crapitation Contest Index
