Grand Conservatory Cruise

Sail Home to Victory with Captain Major and His Crew!

The Conservatory Party has been given the free loan of an old, but stoutly built Atlantic Liner to aid them in their General Election Campaign. This donation has been made by the White Star (1997) Line, formerly known as the British Midland Steamship Co. What they hope to get out of it we won't know until after the election.

Here are our Crew:

Captain John Captain
John Major will be keeping a sharp lookout, and looks forward to steering the Conservatory ship home to a comfortable victory. Under his cap, John will be wearing ministerial grade pomade.

Michael 'Oyly' Howard Chief Officer
Michael(1) Howard is on board to pour oil on troubled waters. At quiet times he will be greasing the engines, and if necessary, can be ground down to provide a reserve of fuel for the boilers.

Ken Clarke Purser
Kenneth Clarke is there to look after the money. Only where cash is concerned do the Conservatories put somebody competent in charge. He's laying in a stock of Mansfield Bitter, we hear!

Michael Portaloo Chief Engineer
After his crash course on railway engines, Michael(2) Portillo is now learning about compounding, condensers and turbines. Good luck Michael!

Michael Forsooth! Chief Steward
Michael(3) Forsyth is on board to keep his fellow Scots at bay. Michael will be wearing his dress kilt outfit, in the special 'Tartan Tax' tartan! Michael will also be equipped with a broadsword, shield and lead-lined sporran! Unfortunately he couldn't bring his hill with him.

The Lovely Virginia Chief Stewardess
Virginia Bottomley will be providing all the comforts of home in an artistic setting, with optional extras. We hear from our fashion correspondent that, under her frock, Ginny will be wearing a rawhide bra and chain-mail nether garments.We also understand that husband Peter is coming along for the ride.

Bumptious Brian Helmsman
Brian Mawhinney is there to ensure everybody toes the line. Equipped with his ex-RN loud-hailer, Brian should be easily heard throughout the voyage. Right now, if you listen carefully, you can hear him practicing "left hand down a bit ... right hand down a bit ...". Captain John is doing the same, though it's unlikely they'll get their act together in time.

John 'Burgers' Gummer General Factotum (Green)
John Selwyn Gummer is responsible for three of the four funnels, which he has already fitted with hidden Tory Torches (See heading picture). John is also charged with giving the ship a 'green' image, and making it more 'environmentally friendly'.

The even lovelier Widdy-poo Quartermaster
Amongst other things, Anne Widdecombe will be in charge of the lifeboats. When not looking after them, she'll be holding an 'at home' in the boiler room wearing her best cretonne frock and "endora" hairstyle.

Das Eisenmädchen Ship's Ghost
Lady Thatcher will be taking part in this capacity, complete with her military-grade bouffant hairdo. Denis will be along with his patent gin and tonic dispenser to keep her spirits up! Margaret's bringing along her rolling pin, and her best stentorian voice, to keep everyone in order. Watch out Brian, she'll be after your loud-hailer!

Mike'n'Mike Hairdressing Department
Michael(4) Heseltine will be taking part as ship's hairdresser, specialising in sideways pompadours for men. He will be assisted by Michael(5) Fabricant who, along with his brass coloured hairspray kit, will be bringing a set of sheep shears and a patent elastrator in case Simon Hoggart of The Guardian shows up with the press corps.

Dave Entertainments Officer
David Evans, whose repartee rivals that of Alf Garnett, will be treating the ship's company to a selection of jokes intended to appeal to the most important part of England. Who knows how many new Conservatory policies will be formulated after an evening's entertainment with Dave!

... and a whole host of others who don't really rate a mention, except for David (Two Brains) Willetts who will be assisting Captain Major with his navigation sums and Neil Hamilton, who will be running a game of five-card stud in the fore saloon, if anyone cares to join him.

What a motley crew they are. Totally unqualified to run any ship, let alone a ship of state, it should be interesting to see what disasters befall them as they weave their way around the British Isles.

[Phundria wonders what the Conservatory Party would be like without all those Michaels. After all, the purpose of this lampoon is to take the mickey out of the party.]

In Memoriam

Phundria is very well aware that the 85th Anniversary of the loss of RMS Titanic occurred on 15th April 1997. We do not seek to cause offence to any reader by inferring that there could possibly be any humour in the sad event itself.
We wish instead to draw a parallel with the hubris of its time that allowed a man-made object to be considered superior to the forces of nature, and the hubris displayed by the subjects of our lampoon in their relationship with the people of Great Britain. Phundria merely wishes to issue a timely reminder.
R.I.P.

In Memoriam
Phundria is very well aware that the 85th Anniversary of the loss of RMS Titanic occurred on 15th April 1997. We do not seek to cause offence to any reader by inferring that there could possibly be any humour in the sad event itself. We wish instead to draw a parallel with the hubris of its time that allowed a man-made object to be considered superior to the forces of nature, and the hubris displayed by the subjects of our lampoon in their relationship with the people of Great Britain. Phundria merely wishes to issue a timely reminder. R.I.P.

Conservatory Main Page

	Captain John Major will be keeping a sharp lookout, and looks forward to steering the Conservatory ship home to a comfortable victory. Under his cap, John will be wearing ministerial grade pomade.
	Chief Officer Michael(1) Howard is on board to pour oil on troubled waters. At quiet times he will be greasing the engines, and if necessary, can be ground down to provide a reserve of fuel for the boilers.
	Purser Kenneth Clarke is there to look after the money. Only where cash is concerned do the Conservatories put somebody competent in charge. He's laying in a stock of Mansfield Bitter, we hear!
	Chief Engineer After his crash course on railway engines, Michael(2) Portillo is now learning about compounding, condensers and turbines. Good luck Michael!
	Chief Steward Michael(3) Forsyth is on board to keep his fellow Scots at bay. Michael will be wearing his dress kilt outfit, in the special 'Tartan Tax' tartan! Michael will also be equipped with a broadsword, shield and lead-lined sporran! Unfortunately he couldn't bring his hill with him.
	Chief Stewardess Virginia Bottomley will be providing all the comforts of home in an artistic setting, with optional extras. We hear from our fashion correspondent that, under her frock, Ginny will be wearing a rawhide bra and chain-mail nether garments.We also understand that husband Peter is coming along for the ride.
	Helmsman Brian Mawhinney is there to ensure everybody toes the line. Equipped with his ex-RN loud-hailer, Brian should be easily heard throughout the voyage. Right now, if you listen carefully, you can hear him practicing "left hand down a bit ... right hand down a bit ...". Captain John is doing the same, though it's unlikely they'll get their act together in time.
	General Factotum (Green) John Selwyn Gummer is responsible for three of the four funnels, which he has already fitted with hidden Tory Torches (See heading picture). John is also charged with giving the ship a 'green' image, and making it more 'environmentally friendly'.
	Quartermaster Amongst other things, Anne Widdecombe will be in charge of the lifeboats. When not looking after them, she'll be holding an 'at home' in the boiler room wearing her best cretonne frock and "endora" hairstyle.
	Ship's Ghost Lady Thatcher will be taking part in this capacity, complete with her military-grade bouffant hairdo. Denis will be along with his patent gin and tonic dispenser to keep her spirits up! Margaret's bringing along her rolling pin, and her best stentorian voice, to keep everyone in order. Watch out Brian, she'll be after your loud-hailer!
	Hairdressing Department Michael(4) Heseltine will be taking part as ship's hairdresser, specialising in sideways pompadours for men. He will be assisted by Michael(5) Fabricant who, along with his brass coloured hairspray kit, will be bringing a set of sheep shears and a patent elastrator in case Simon Hoggart of The Guardian shows up with the press corps.
	Entertainments Officer David Evans, whose repartee rivals that of Alf Garnett, will be treating the ship's company to a selection of jokes intended to appeal to the most important part of England. Who knows how many new Conservatory policies will be formulated after an evening's entertainment with Dave!