Inside
Sabrina - Page Three Girl (Page 3)
Nut Screws Washers and Bolts! (Page 5)
Three Old Ladies Released from Lavatory (Page 16)
Vicar Breaks Wind in Church - Gallery Collapses (Page 21)
Eighteen Buses Collide in Glasgow Street (Page 24)

Friday, 13th November 1998 ***

Internet Scandal Mag Phundria Exposed!

by Fred Behr

Phundria, the Scottish scandal mag that upset the Tory Party has been exposed at last!

Phundria gained notoriety in the run up to the last general election by broadcasting its alternative version of the Tory Party's website from a secret location in Holland! As a result, a landslide victory for all the other parties followed.

Following a painstaking investigation, Moon journalist Fred Behr and photographer Bill 'Essex' Mann ran Phundria's elusive editor to ground. In an astonishing development, he agreed to reveal all provided we keep his identity a secret.

"We were so gobsmacked after the election result that we literally ran out of steam, and it wasn't till last December that we'd recovered enough to come back on line," he admitted "so we eventually decided to turn up the heat on the Mega$loth monopoly.

"Isn't it a ridiculous situation? The world appears to have standardised on the only personal computer operating system that isn't millennium compatible - resulting in a heck of a waste of public money." he added, "We'd be daft not to take a pop at that."

When we asked him why he and his small team were devoting so much time and energy to what would seem an impossible task he replied: "It's good fun, hurts nobody, and I hope it'll make people sit up and take notice before it's too late. We're all being ripped off and I for one don't like that one little bit!"

Would he now be turning his sights on New Labour, we wondered?

"We've had a couple of low key pieces up for a few months - mainly tied in with the Mega$loth stuff." he replied, "The problem is that whist New Labour have moved somewhat to the right, there's no really meaty stuff to latch on to. I suppose the biggest potential disaster waiting to happen is the Millennium Dome in London - did you know part of it would have collapsed into a tunnel if a sharp-witted engineer hadn't spotted the problem a few weeks back?

"We've also had a quiet dig at the Downing Street Website, but again, we've kept it low key. I nearly hit the roof when I found out that only Windoze computers could access it when it was first put up."

"So, what's coming next?", we asked?

"Well, there are a few funny adverts about - like the computer company that's advertising systems that you don't have to pay for till they're obsolete!

"Railway privatisation also seems to have been a bit of a disaster, so we may have a go at that if a potential contributor I have waiting in the wings comes up with the goods. Watch this space."

On that note Phundria stood us to a very good lunch, with plenty of liquid refreshment. The next thing we remember is arriving at Kings Cross station.

The Moon's exclusive picture shows the editor of Phundria making last minute adjustments to the Clyde-built Internet machinery that will send it round the world!

Page Three Girl - Sabrina

Multi-talented Sabrina (38-24-36), today's outstanding Page Three Girl, is a topper! This girl really rocks! She's majoring in Rock 'n' Roll at the East London College of Musical Knowledge, and when she finishes the course, she plans to climb Everest with her boyfriend.

Svelte Sabrina (19) from Dagenham is a keen 'Goons' fan. "They seem so much more sensible than most people nowadays!" she says.

Nut Screws Washers and Bolts!

It was reported late yesterday evening that an inmate had escaped from the Royal Institution for the Mentally Insane in Cranberry Heath, Surrey. He found his way to the Wondrous Washeteria in the High Street, where he forced his attentions on three women doing their weekly wash. He ran off when passers-by became curious.

Surrey Police have now recaptured the man, whose name is not being released, and have returned him to the Institution pending further proceedings.

Three Old Ladies Released from Lavatory

It was an amusing night in Bogglesford, Essex, when police were called to unlock three old ladies from a public convenience in the town centre. Hermione Cringe (85), Euphemia Nunn (73), and Iolanthe (Lannie) McTurk (79) had become trapped in the ladies loo after what was stated to be a 'lark'.

"We're only Essex girls out for a larf", said Hermione. "Lannie was doing backflips and she managed to whack the door so that it shut and locked itself." The three ladies were later released after a warning.

Vicar Breaks Wind in Church - Gallery Collapses

It was embarrassment all round for the Rev. Osbert Twistleton and his congregation at Evensong in St. Mary's Church, Windermere on Wednesday night.

The unfortunate cleric had bent down to retrieve his sermon notes when the involuntary 'bass-ic' function took place. The effect was trebled owing to the close proximity of the pulpit microphone, causing uproarious laughter in the congregation, which in turn led to part of the gallery collapsing. Fortunately, no one was badly hurt in the melée, although several members of the congregation reported aching sides.

"I'm going to change the brand of beans I eat.", said the chastened Vicar.

A spokesman for Beenz Foods said that the incident was an Act of God performed by one of His representatives on Earth, and that it was most unlikely that the company would be held responsible.

Damage was estimated at £2000.

Eighteen Buses Collide in Glasgow Street

A major disaster could have happened in Glasgow early yesterday evening. Near the corner of Bath Street, a large American gentleman with a Fedora Hat waved a $1000 bill at a passing bus on Renfield Street. This promptly caused the driver to swerve and stop. A number of following buses collided with it and each other in the rush for revenue. No one was injured, and damage was reported to be 'slight'.

"They're going to have to do something about this bus deregulation." said Labour Councillor Bob McPhatridge, who was present at the scene.

The American gentleman has not been traced, but police believe that he may be the same person who was involved in a number of curious incidents in the city last spring.

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