Asylum Operations Dept.
Hi! My name is Boozo, the friendly Mega$loth® clown (friendly to Mega$loth® that is). You wouldn't believe it from my looks, but I'm only 21 years old! Not only that, but I'm the Official Mega$loth® Clown in Chief!
One of our jobs here at Mega$loth® is to set the defaults in all our software products. The reason why they employ clowns to do this is that we're all clued up on bells and whistles. That way, we can ensure they're all running from the moment the software's installed.
We're mainly responsible for enlarging our software products. People just love big things, and it's by adding every conceivable feature that we here at Mega$loth® can dream up, that makes our software the biggest in the world.
We also look after forward and backward compatibility issues. Properly managed, these maximise the number of upgrades people need to have. The fact that some old documents will never be readable again doesn't matter to us as long as the money keeps rolling in!
Let me tell you about some of our achievements in more detail.
Intellinonsense™That's one of our cleverest features. Isn't it great the way we can make happen what we think you want to do before you've even thought of it. Office clerks really love this, because of all the extra time they can spend actually working trying to undo what we've done wrongly for them. They don't have to look busy any more — they really are busy!
Mr
Clippety-Doodah™We're really proud of Mr Clippety-Doodah™. By popping up in the way that he does, he really keeps people on their toes. Boy, he does it so well that he's even managed to stack up a casualty list! From the small sample that's been reported to us we can list:
Not only that, but our 'Hardware Partners' are delighted as well. Many
computer casualties are down to Mr Clippety-Doodah™, and every
single one has resulted in a sale of new equipment, not to mention a
contribution to our Tax Coffers revenues. Just look at this
list:
That's a real first for software, eh? Just wait till you get our new 'Windoze ZP™' operating system — as well as its fully functional 'Extort-o-Matic™' upgrade system, it's got a new 'random reinstall' feature we recently dreamed up.
Mega$loth® Outlandish
Express™This is our 'biggie'. We've packed so many features into Outlandish Express™ you wouldn't believe it! Not only that, we break as many 'open system' rules as we can so that people will have problems with our competitors' email systems. That makes our stuff look better and their stuff look worse. That's because we really do know better!
Outlandish Express™ proves we can set the world on fire — New Usenet users get flamed for posting HTML attachments the first time they hit the groups! This is one of our really clever features, as it discourages them from ever again expressing their thoughts publicly, and protects us from them criticising what we do!
We may be clowns but we sure are clever!
Mega$loth® Fatpage™ Mega$loth® Fatpage™ interworks with Internet Exploder™ to produce perfect pages that only work well with Exploder™ - that means your customers just have to have Exploder™ to read them. No other browser is as good, because no other browser can read Exploder™ optimised Fatpage™ webpages!
There's only one small catch - you may not use Fatpage™ in connection with any site that disparages Mega$loth®, MSNOT™, MSNBG™, Extortia™, or their products or services ...
Mega$loth® Weird™Did you know that Mega$loth® Weird™ can save out HTML pages? These are the best of the lot - they are really packed with the extra features we've designed to make them difficult to read in anything but Internet Exploder™. They make the W3 Validator look stupid - which it is. After all, what are standards worth if they're not Mega$loth® standards?
Editor's Note: If you're creating webpages, don't touch Mega$loth® Weird™ with a bargepole.
Mega$loth® Internet Exploder™ Internet Exploder™ interworks with Fatpage™ to render pixel-perfect pages that only work well with Exploder™ - that means your customers just have to have Exploder™ to read them. No other browser is as good, because no other browser can read Exploder™ optimised Fatpage™ webpages!
